Life on the Enterprise: A Series
by TatianaChekhov
Summary: Everyone gets a long perfectly on the Enterprise and their 5 year mission "to go boldly where no man has gone before" goes swimmingly right? WRONG! These are the stories of what happened on the days that weren't shown on screen...
1. Spock lost it!

A/N: This is a fanfic of pure fluffiness and O.C. characters! I hope people can enjoy it for what it is and have fun like I did when I wrote it. I didn't want to rate it higher than T so later you'll find some blanks followed by instructions to add a part of speech. It's kind of like madlib... you just have to use your imagination!

Disclaimer: I don't own Star trek obviously! Also this a re post since my other account got messed up with spam (so please don't flame me for plagiarism)!

* * *

One day on the bridge everything was peacefully humming along and everyone was just doing their jobs. Just then Spock realized something.

Spock: Captain I'm afraid stopping at the next Starfleet Space Station would be illogical. According to my calculations, the Enterprise is larger than its infrastructure was built to service.

Kirk leaned back in his chair with a wide smirk on his face.

Kirk: That's what she said.

Everybody began to laugh, even Scotty and Bones who heard over the speakers that had conveniently forgotten to be turned off. Everyone that is... except Spock. You might think that this could be explained by his Vulcan heritage, but you'd be wrong. In actual fact, his tight ass approach to controlling his emotions had finally caught up to him. There was also the incident in the mess hall.

(last night)

Spock: Captain, I ask that you please assist me in passing the sodium chloride.

Kirk looked around the table with a smug look on his face.

Kirk: Oh you mean salt?

Spock sat up a little straighter in his seat.

Spock: If you are referring to the white crystals in the jar adjacent to your right arm then yes, the Sodium chloride. To rename such a compound with any less accurate description is quite illogical.

At this point a few nearby crew members had taken interest in their conversation. Jim cocked his eyebrow.

Kirk: Considering that I learned this seasoning to be described as salt long before I was concerned with its chemical elements, I submit that it would be most logical for me to choose salt.

(an unidentified voice a few seat away mumbled "oh no he didn't")

Spock: My apologies, I forgot to calculate that humans are in themselves illogical beings.

Just like in high school when one girl calls another girl a slut in the cafeteria everyone nearby hushed to a silence.

Kirk: On the contrary. Given that you are on board a ship consisting predominately of earthlings who use their own language to describe stuff, you are the acting illogically.

Spock retreated without words to his usual stoic expression. Everyone started clapping. That's right, captain Kirk just pwned Spock with his favorite word.

So any rate after that Spock was being a little pissy about things and when the captain executed his little sexually implicated joke he was not amused.

Spock: Captain this is again an illogical statement. You would be more accurate to say "that's what he said."

Daringly the captain turned in his chair to face Spock.

Kirk: With what evidence?

There really wasn't any good explanation to explain what happened next. Something in his identity confused Vulcan head snapped. His face slumped into an ominous frown.

Spock: Hey you stupid (insert noun) I have an idea. Maybe if you weren't such a dumb(insert noun) a little less often you wouldn't need me to do simple mathematical procedures like formulas for volumes. Oh I'm sorry let me put that in words you can understand, smart people stuff.

Uhura: OOo feisty!

Spock turned to her. He was on a role.

Spock: Oh you like that, you think that was funny. You know I've always wondered what exactly you do on this ship. I mean pretty much everyone we come in contact with speaks (insert adjective that ends in "ing") English. What do we need an expert in communications for. Face it, you're position is purely for the viewing pleasure of your male counterparts.

Uhura huffed indignantly and walked away in protest.

Uhura: (mumbling angrily) Now I know he didn't just say that to me. Um mm I don't need this.

Kirk refused to appear unnerved.

Kirk: Means a lot coming from the permanent understudy. Always the bridesmaid never the bride huh Spock.

Chekov and Sulu exchanged glances in disbelief. They snickered at the Captain's last blow. Spock turned on them.

Spock: Oh, and I suppose you all have real complicated jobs. It must be hard to push those on and off buttons. It must be real (insert adjective ending in "ing") hard to follow directions hand fed to you by the computers. On Vulcan we have a name for employees like you, expendable. Lazy sons of (insert noun) all of you.

At this point the good doctor Bones had been summoned.

Bones: What's going on here.

Spock pointed at him.

Spock: And you... you... well I never liked you to begin with.

Bones eyes narrowed

Bones: Oh yeah... well I never really like you either.

In 60's style fashion Spock and bones engaged in a highly exciting battle in which each decided to reach for the other's jugular. Apparently Spock was currently forgetting about his signature bad(insert noun) mofo nerve pinch.

Spock: (insert action) you!

Bones: (insert action) you too!

Spock: I hate you!

Bones: I love you!

Spock suddenly let go, what an intriguing thing to say at a time like this.

Spock: What really?

Bones: No!

Bones withdrew a syringe and jammed it into the side of Spock's neck.

Spock: Ow! Owwwwww!

Both rolled over panting on the floor. Finally bones stood up and addressed Kirk.

Bones: I never would have expect it to be that easy. We got him Jim.

Spock also began to sit up, blinking his eyes dazedly.

Spock: Wha... what just happened?

Kirk: You flipped out on us, my friend. You completely lost it, but it's okay, you were just suffering a rare space disease. Good thing Bones here had the antidote.

Spock stood up straight rubbing at the bruise on his neck.

Spock: Gentleman I'm afraid I've acted most inappropriately. I assure you, I was severely out of my mind.

Bones patted his shoulder in a friendly gesture.

Bones: As previously mentioned, you contracted a rare space disease from the last planet we visited. The symptoms include aggression, temporary lapses in language control, and a rash where the sun don't shine. Luckily I diagnosed the sickness and was able to administer the antidote in due time. To hold you accountable for any behavior you've exhibited in the past few days would be unfair to say the least. No hard feelings buddy.

Still semi-out of it, Spock straightened his shirt before wandering towards the door.

Spock: I need a drink

When he was a safe distance away Kirk leaned towards Bones.

Kirk: So what did you really give him?

Bones: A strong sedative for a disease called, Imarepressedguywithseriousissues-itis

Kirk: That will do it Bones, that will do it.

As Spock walked the hallways he meditated on the previous events

Spock: (to himself) Wait what rash?


	2. A Blond, A Hypochondriac, and A Russian

In the last few weeks everything had been quite predictable for the sickbay and Bones was getting very bored. Things were going pretty much fine, but everyone knows that when doctors get bored bad things start to happen. Good thing Kirk was an out of practice psychiatrist (because he's just a bad(insert noun) like that) and understood exactly what needed to happen.

Kirk: Bones you are getting way too complacent and I think it's time you get some change around here.

Bones : Jim I'm a doctor not a-

Kirk: A home decorator yeah yeah blah blah bah no! I mean I'm assigning you a new assistant.

Bones: (sighing) Okay but not another male nurse again. It's just awkward. The last one used to sexually harass me about my sexy eyebrows.

Awkward silence. Kirk just cocked an eyebrow and Bones looked down at his feet bashfully.

Bones: (in his head) _Whatever I think they're sexy._

Kirk: Okay, um, no, well actually I had a yeomen in mind who hasn't seemed to fit in too well in other stations around the Enterprise. I was hoping you might be able to find a place for her here.

Bones: Listen Jim, I have a very important job to do stopping people from dying and junk. I don't have time to mess around with some fruitcake who can't play nice with the other boys and girls.

Kirk pressed a random button on the wall which conveniently connected with the bridge.

Kirk: Send her in Spock.

For about five minutes They stood around waiting. Without Spock added to the mix there just wasn't too much to talk about here.

Kirk: So... seen any cool looking star patterns lately?

Bones: We're going a little to fast for our optic nerves to process any one star Jim.

Kirk: Really?

Silence. Finally a young lady with long blond hair (another blond bimbo on the enterprise... surprised) and a matching Starfleet issued booty skirt entered. Withdrawing an anti-stimulant injection from his pack, Bones discreetly administered it to his side (and that's why Bones always manages to appear cool around the ladies).

Kirk: Lt. Zoey You will report here from now on under the directions of our senior medical officer, Dr. McCoy. Just, you know, do whatever he says... understood?

Coyly playing with the ends of her hair Zoey responded in a sweetly innocent voice.

Zoey: Yes captain, I understand.

Kirk: As you were doctor.

Bones watched as Jim walked out the door on his way back to the bridge. He thought he was seeing things when just as Kirk passed her, Zoey smirked evilly and smacked him in the (insert body part). She promptly went back to the way she was standing as if nothing had happened. Stopping dead Kirk turned around as if confused.

Kirk: Whoa I could have sworn something just, well I just had this unpleasant feeling. Did any of the rest of you feel anything?

Bones just stared on in shock. Zoey played her role.

Zoey: No sir, I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about, but if pain persists I'm sure the doctor would insist that you return to the sickbay. Right doctor?

Bones: Sure, yes, come back if the pain persists.

Kirk shook his head and left. As soon as he was a safe distance away Zoey pulled out a joint and inhaled some space pot.

Bones: Zoey, is that- never mind you can't smoke that in here.

Zoey: Surely a doctor like you has read plenty of journals on the medicinal benefits of toking.

Bones: Yeah, when half your body is in bloody shreds and you have one foot in the grave.

Zoey exhaled.

Zoey: They way things have gone lately, we all have one foot in the grave

Bones was about protest but then he remembered last week when Kirk decided it would be a good idea to land on a planet, known for craters that randomly shoot up Muriatic Acid.

Bones: Okay yeah you're probably right.

At that point a random red shirt entered the sickbay complaining of extreme pain. Bones sighed and pulled Zoey aside. He spoke quiet enough that only she could hear.

Bones: This guy's a hypochondriac. He's always in here complaining of something or another. A real pain in the ass really. I'll handle this and you just do what I ask.

Bones approached the patient who was doubled over in pain.

Bones: Sam what's going on this week. A broken bone, a rare space disease, some attempt on your life?

Sam: How did you know? I swear Dr. McCoy you really should be the captain. You know everything!

Bones: (under his breath) Yeah seriously.

Pulling out his magic stethoscope thingy that can identify whatever is wrong with you (disclaimer: uses a highly radioactive beam that will over time cause death), Bones began to search for anything that he could "cure" and "save the worker's life!"

Bones: Well Sam I'm going to have to say that are are perfectly healthy. There's nothing wrong with you.

Sam proceeded to bury his face in his hands and proceeded to throw a hissy fit.

Sam: But doctor there has to be something, I'm just... I'm in so much pain! I'm dying, I'm really dying this time!

Bones began to search his cabinet for his supply of placebo's when Zoey placed her hand on the guy's chin. Raising her free hand she slapped the man across the face.

Zoey: Stop being such a whiny (insert noun)!

Bones jumped with surprise and turned around.

Bones: Whoa Zoey what do you think you're doing.

Sam: Yeah what was that for.

Zoey slapped him across the other cheek.

Zoey: Something that should have been done a long time ago. How's that feel Sam?

Sam: (rubbing his face) Ow that hurt. You're hurting me.

Zoey leaned in close to his face.

Zoey: Oh yeah? Push a watermelon out your (female noun) and then we'll talk about pain. On your feet twinkle toes. Get your fat (noun) back to your station.

Sam promptly sat up and ran out the door crying. Although Bones couldn't help but think the guy had it coming his professional side was reeling with what all just happened in HIS office. Zoey went back to smoking her joint.

Bones: Zoey that was absolutely the wrong way to handle that situation. This is a sickbay, not a prison. We don't man handle our patients. Furthermore we do things my way because I'm the doctor not you, understood?

Zoey: (exhaling) Yeah whatev. You should be thanking me. That guy was a class A square!

Bones was about to reprimand her when at that moment Chekhov entered the room.

Chekov: Eexcuuse mee Dr. MeCoy but my stoamak has bean filling eel. I vonted to know if you had eeny of those peels left? (In English: Dr. I have a stomach ache. Hook me up with some drugs)

Bones: Sure thing Chekhov let me just go into the back room and pull them out. (Bones leaned in to Zoey's ear) Chekov is always a little uneasy in the sickbay ever since that incident... well never mind the details but just talk to him and make him feel comfortable while I'm in the other room.

Zoey smiled innocently

Zoey: Sure thing boss. This is an easy job.

Satisfied Bones turned the corner and began searching for the correct vial. When he returned he was met with the most peculiar sight. Zoey was speaking some foreign tongue in a low voice and Chekov was sitting hunched a semi-fetal position, white as Spock's legs at a beach.

Bones: Chekov, what's the matter! Zoey what's going on!

Chekov stood up stiff as a board.

Chekov: Nutheen, nutheen at all. I'll just be goeen now. (English: I'm scared and I'm getting the hell out of here)

Bones: But Chekov your pills-

Chekov: Yes Ma'm I mean seur I meen... long leeve Russia! (English: you're on your own)

Making a run for the door Chekov slid awkwardly as he slammed open the entry and hightailed it down the hall. Bones took hold of Zoey's shoulders.

Bones: What on Earth did you say to him?

Zoey: I don't know why he flipped. Friggen psycho from the start if you ask me. All I did was recite a few lines I heard from this 20th century Russian movie I watched. Geeze doctor your job sure is easy. You haven't done anything all day and your patients are already back working harder than ever. It's all about motivation, duh. In fact, I should be the doctor and you should be my assistant.

Oh hell no. It was bad enough when Spock constantly deemed him incompetent. Uh huh, this just wasn't going to work. Bones discreetly pulled out a syringe. Zoey was about to learn that you don't (verb) with the one man capable of saving your life.

Back on the bridge Kirk noticed Chekov acting very strangely since his return from sick bay. The boy kept twitching and muttering unintelligible fragments like "they're coming for me!" and "She's one of them!"He observed as Spock approached the young genius with his latest data observations.

Chekov: (wide eyed and hysterical) NO PLEESE I BEG YOU. DON'T KEEL MEE DON'T KEEL MY FAMILEE! LONG LEEVE RUSSIA!

Chekov buried his face in his sleeve and began to sob. Uncomfortable with the gross display of human emotions Spock awkwardly began patting his foreign crew mate's back.

Spock: Chekov you are being completely illogical. Nobody here wants to hurt you. I think it would be best if you returned to your quarters and consumed a vodka.

Chekov turned and grabbed Spock around the waist in a death grip.

Chekov: Meester Spock. Pleese save mee. Don't let theem take mee. I have beetrayed my country! (English: Something resembling a drunken slur.)

Spock looked towards his captain at a loss. Getting up out of his chair Kirk decided to take a little field trip to sickbay to see what all was going down. Upon arriving at his destination he found a seemingly panic stricken Bones and a dead blond bimbo.

Kirk: Bones what in hell happened down here?

Kicking a syringe under the nearest counter Bones replied.

Bones: She's killed herself. She's dead Jim.


	3. Planet of Extortionists

Captain James T. Kirk looked at the view of the planet's surface below. How surprising that the other ships in the federation seemed so keen on avoiding this worthless rock of world. He recalled his conversation with Star fleet.

Some high ranking paper pusher at the command center: We're sorry to inform you, Captain Kirk, that you have been selected for the planetary agreement mission on Delta 5.

Kirk: That doesn't sound good.

Paper pusher: This mission is possibly dangerous and has a high probability of failure.

Kirk: And the basis for this assumption derives from...

Paper pusher: A previous mission that failed.

Kirk: Can I at least access the Captain's log from said expedition to better prepare my crew?

Paper pusher: I'm sorry Captain but those logs are... classified.

Kirk: You mean you don't have them.

Paper pusher: Well not exactly...

Kirk:What happened to the crew of the previous mission?

Paper pusher: That's not important. You, as the captain, are not to leave your ship but instead you will assign a landing party of subordinate officers to seek out the leadership of the planet's inhabitants. They will convince the council to join the federation, they will get back on the ship, and you will all leave the galaxy as soon as possible. Those are your orders.

Kirk: But why are we traveling to an obviously hostile planet without back-up?

Paper pusher: We must have that planet under our jurisdiction so we can build a mall- I mean star base, on its surface. Besides, nothing so far has proved they are hostile. The other ship just didn't... well whatever that's your assignment good luck.

* * *

Now here the Enterprise was at it's destination and Kirk couldn't help but be disappointed. Sensors indicated limited life with little civilization and apparently no signs of weapons.

Kirk: Damn, and I thought I'd get to test out our new phasers.

As ordered he had assigned First Officer Spock (because he was the next best thing to the captain), Chief Medical Officer McCoy (as pay back for placing him on a diet), and Ensign Chekhov (time to pay his dues) to the transporter room and now he had nothing to do but wait. He was drifting off in the captain's chair when Uhura's voice interrupted the peace...

Uhura: Captain, there's something on the hailing frequency. It seems that the inhabitants of the planet are trying to contact us.

Kirk: Okay, sure put them on.

Just as she pushed the respective button the whole ship began to shake violently. As his head met the edge of the railing, it occurred to Kirk that they really should install seat belts. Finally the shaking subsided.

Kirk (rubbing the bruise forming at his temple): What the hell was that.

Mildly irritated he jammed the button connecting to the engineering deck.

Kirk: Scotty, what's going on down there... (silence)... Scotty damage report... SCOTTY!"

An automated voice responded.

Voice: This is your second warning that the factory warranty on this star ship is running out. To speak to a representative...

Kirk: What the (Interjection rhyming with duck)!

He pressed another button.

Another voice: Congratulations. You have been selected as eligible to participate in a time share on Alpha 4...

He pressed another button growing increasingly frustrated.

Another voice accompanied by a cheesy tune: Are you getting older? Are you tired of your job? (Sulu: Um hm, definitely) We have the retirement plan for you-

Kirk slammed his fist down to silence the panel but the infomercials failed to cease.

Kirk: Uhura, is this supposed to be some kind of joke?

Uhura (frantically pushing buttons): Captain I have no control over the communications system, it's as if we've been hijacked.

A voice from behind: Precisely madame, resistance is futile.

Everyone on the bridge turned to the screen where an alien wearing a business suit (like the kind worn by used car salesmen on Earth) was now communicating. Sulu buried his head in his arms (Sulu: here we go again).

Kirk: This is Captain Kirk of the Star Ship Enterprise speaking. I demand that you release my crew at once... and take this shit off our communication frequencies I can't hear myself think.

Alien: Um... no.

Kirk (it was worth a shot): If you are an inhabitant of the planet below, then I can tell you that we come in peace. We only wish to speak to your leaders. Three of my men are already on the surface.

Alien: We know... that was a stupid thing to do.

Kirk (narrowing his eyes): Why?

Alien: Because under our law, if they step foot on our land they become our property. The last ship tried that only they landed the whole thing. Now they are all working slaves in our data center.

Kirk: Who the hell do you think you are?

Alien: I am Bob of the planet Delta 5 and you are trespassing on our property. Naturally, I have infected your ships computers with a virus, courtesy of our customers.

Kirk: Mr. Sulu, engage phasers and prepare to fire on my orders.

Bob: Go ahead... I dare you.

Kirk: FIRE!

Sulu pressed the appropriate button but instead of a deadly ray, a hologram of a woman was emitted. She proudly displayed her box of feminine product with sound proof wrappers. Kirk's face grew red with anger.

Bob: See, you're ship is virtually nonfunctional. Only we have the power to restore it.

Kirk: What exactly did you mean when you said customers?

Bob: Of course you wouldn't know, a squeaky clean space official like yourself, but since you're trapped here I suppose it wouldn't hurt to explain that you have stumbled on one of the biggest black market advertisers in the universe.

Silence

Kirk: What the (noun rhyming with bell)...

Bob: That's right, beings from planets light years away pay us to sell, auction, and even trade their products over every known available medium.

Kirk, unable to wrap his mind around such an idea retreated to silence. He looked around at the other members of the bridge observing equally confused expressions.

Uhura: Now hold up a minute. Are you meaning to say that it's you (negative noun) that make it so I have to sift for hours to find a hailing frequency uninterrupted by commercials?

Bob: Yep.

Sulu: And those courtesy calls I received everyday on my cellphone back on Earth, you mean to tell me that they are based from a signal all the way from this planet?

Bob: Pretty much. You'd be surprised how far people will go these days to make a profit.

Kirk: And nobody has ever tried to stop you?

Bob: Oh of course they do, but just like you, they are trapped and unable to report us.

Kirk: Well then I highly suggest you release us at once, lest you want the whole Star Fleet battalion on your case.

Bob: I told you, you have no way of reporting us.

Kirk: Oh really, are you sure? This ship's model is the latest on the market. It sends a distress signal to Star Fleet long before we experience any damage from systems attacks like computer viruses.

For a moment Bob paused.

Bob: You're bluffing.

Kirk: You want to take that chance? Sure you were able to disarm us pretty fast, unsuspecting and alone. But can you handle an army?

For a few moments Bob disappeared of screen. Uhura crept closer to the captain's chair.

Uhura (whispering): Captain, no such signal was sent. I checked the records.

Kirk: Shut up, they don't know that.

He winked as Uhura's grin spread across her face.

Uhura: Captain you are one bad (nouns rhyming with bass other ducker).

Bob came back on the screen, straightening his clip on tie.

Bob: Kirk, I spoke with my associates on the matter and we have a deal for you that can only serve to work towards your advantage.

Kirk: Alright now we're talking.

Bob: Although we are capable of handling our enemies, even one as great as your Star Fleet, we would prefer not to have such parties snooping around our planet and attracting attention. We will allow your ship to return home on the condition that you will provide a false report claiming that our planet is an uninhabitable toxic environment, unfit for exploration. Furthermore, you will account for the missing ship as well as your own three crew members as casualties of the turbulence caused by our atmosphere, thus explaining why a distress signal was issued.

Kirk: I don't think so, My men are to be returned to me immediately.

Bob: Captain, surely you are able to understand that you are in no position to bargain. The deal stands as is... besides, if you respond favorably in the next 20 minutes, we will extend to you a free gift.

Kirk: Free gift?

* * *

The landing party continued to traverse the barren surface, unaware that their inability to contact the Enterprise was the direct result of the massive spam attack. Although their tricorders reported a power source nearby, they had yet to see any signs of life. It had been hours and everyone was a little cranky.

Chekhov: Mr. Spock, pleeeeease! Let me just go behind a pile of rocks or something. It will only take a few seconds. I've had to use the restroom since we left the ship...

Spock: Chekhov I already relayed to you that we cannot risk insulting the inhabitants of this planet. We must convince their leaders to join the federation.

Bones: Yeah Chekhov the federation needs this planet so they can build their new super mall (this earned a glare from Spock)... star base, whatever.

Chekhov (not unlike a child on the way home from Disney land): But Siiiiir I'm going to diiiiiieee!

Spock: I order you to cease your illogical complaints. It's highly improbable that you will not die.

Bones: Yeah Chekhov geeze. You won't die, you just might do permanent damage to your osmoregulation system. Chekhov gasped in panic before crying out in pain again. Spock was just about to reprimand the doctor when out of nowhere two aliens popped into existence. Without any hint of surprise (because this sort of thing happens to him all the time) Spock held up the Vulcan Salute.

Spock: We come in-

Alien 1 (who apparently speaks English, they always do): Don't care! You belong to us now!

Alien 2 grabbed their weapons before they could react and began motioning downwards.

Alien 2: That's it on the dirt. Hands, tentacles, whatever the hell you use to move, put them up where I can see them now.

Chekhov whimpered as they lowered to their knees in obedience.

Bones: Fellas please! You've got the wrong guy. (pulling out his puppy dog face). After all I'm just an old country doctor.

The alien next to him pointed his confiscated phaser at his head.

Alien 1: The hell you are.

Alien 2: Leonard be careful with that one. He could give professional testimony on our new universe grade diet pill infomercial.

Alien Leonard (apparently): Dammit Jim I'm a space pimp not a campaign director.

Bones: Hey That's my line... sort of.

Alien Leonard and Alien Jim (what a coincidence): STFU!!!!!!!

Chekhov, in so much pain after holding his bladder for the past 7 hours, was no longer capable of attempting English and was now muttering unintelligible Russian words under his breath as he cradled his aching stomach. Alien Jim pointed at the gorgeous boy.

Alien Jim: What about that one?

Alien Leonard stood back a moment before pointing with conviction.

Alien Leonard: I've got it! Mail order husband!

Spock looked up calmly. He knew it was inevitable that the captain would come to save them all. There was no need to panic. Still...

Spock: Gentleman, might I ask what you meant by saying that we belong to you.

The two aliens shared a glance before bursting out in laughter.

Alien Jim: Your captain didn't tell you. You three were sold to us in exchange for his piece of crap star ship.

Chekhov (through gritted teeth): The captain.. would never... leave three... officers behind.

Alien Leonard: Well that's what he said at first, but since he called us back in the allotted 20 minutes, we threw in a free Space Chicks Gone Wild DVD collection absolutely free.

Silence

Spock: Highly probable.

Bones: Son of a Bitch.

Chekhov (smiling serenely): Holy hell what a relief!


End file.
